Marge's Personal Ads from summer 2003

When it came time to date, Marge enlisted my assistance. My first job was to photograph her from the most desirable angle and then to compose and post single’s ads for her on such websites as match.com, yahoo personals and millionairematch.com. As it happened, I had placed an ad on Yahoo Personals for myself at the same time. I didn't have any assistance with my ad and spent only a fraction of the time on mine in contrast to the full charge handling of her with her multiple placements.
I began speaking with a firefighter from Nyack via email and after a week, he asked if we could meet and I agreed. When I shared this news with Marge, a demonic and perturbed look crossed her eternally bitter face as she scoffed "oh what is he-black?" I bit my tongue. (He wasn't Black but of course that was Marge's attempt at some sort of cross cultural put down). Marge then got up from her position at her computer and quetched "well maybe if you hadn't take such awful, stupid pictures of me". With that, she sashayed right past me, slammed the kitchen door. Outside, she angrily huffed away on Marlboro Menthol. Below was my initial response to her whining "I am so boring. There is nothing interesting about me".

AD 1
Svelte, suburban, newly divorced, anti soccer Mom seeks non-pudgy antidote for general malaise. Must love the sound of a Janome machine, lifetime television marathons on rainy Sunday afternoons, beach oriented vacations, bronzed body parts, culinary delights, and extremely, extremely laid back personas. You must be able to convert fractions for all sorts of projecting delights of mine. Since I rather enjoy men who wear trouser socks and super gay, faggy footwear; you may have many and varied gay tendencies including delighting in the smell of lustrous and expensive sunbathing products melting on your buttered skin, (If you do not tan well, do not apply), having your nails buffed and shined while I have a pedicure, accompanying me on my global search for the best in moisturizers, body creams and hair mousse, etc. I have four children and a fully staffed home and so should you; as my modus vivendi does not allow for upheaval or disruption in or of the muffled glamour and slow glitz that peppers this life of mine. You should be an early to rise/early to bed kind of guy except for our one big night out per week where upon you will dazzle me with door holding gentlemanly-ness, romance and general ‘tom foolery’. Other than that, I prefer you to be stapled to my side, excepting those occasions on which you must report to your “work type station” which should be staggeringly lucrative yet not at all inconvenient to me. For Appearance Requirements, please see table A2.

ad 2
Demure, suburban strumpet (41) seeks perpetual pleasure with soul mate and man of her dreams. But for now a wild, risqué & torrid affair with a confident, social, thin man of epic financial being not opposed to showering her with attention, gifts, compliments and praise should satisfactorily suffice.

Ad 3
Petite, dishy woman with colossal heart seeks honorable guy (32-52) for unostentatious whimsy, & everlasting love. I am freshly disunited and while I am not without hope for the chance of true love, I realistically seek now to embark on informal adventure with romantic possibility alongside a gallant man of unambiguous character who enjoys similar pursuits and pastime. I am honest, loyal, respectful, caring, loving, passionate, romantic, and an excellent cook. I have had a very full/interesting life (both good and bad). I have many interests that I have not really taken the time to explore but plan to in the near future. I am the mother of four children and I put my family first (And would share them only with someone special and deserving).

Ad 4
Upscale, anti-social, petite, smoking “bitch” type, winner of Westchester’s “best leg award”, 1997 and 2001 seeks glutton for punishment. Accompany this persnickety temptress as she pouts, snivels, confabs, demoralizes and deliberately and effortlessly offends and insults all of those who cross her path. Preference for the well toned to superb physique as my carnal satisfaction will become your job one. Insipient divorcee, prone to fits of nomal rage is ready and waiting to turn your tedious, ho hum world upside down. Take a ride with me, I’ll make you a star……..

Ad 5
Newly divorced, Lilliputian, unrestrained mother of four young children seeks merciful, doting and loving, good natured gentleman from esteemed background for lifetime of merriment and enviable pleasure. I enjoy horseback riding, dude ranches, the beach, dining, swimming, art projects of many types (very creative), cooking, spending time with my children, travel, good music, quiet nights, picnics, dining out, long rainy afternoons, good books, mind numbing computer games, dressing up and going out or renting a movie and staying in. I am flexible and open to meeting people of all personalities, but these types I have no tolerance for: the scheming, the incompetent, the mentally disturbed, the pear assed, the abusive, the manipulative, the excessively pale, the belligerent or the unmannered.


Ad 6
Provocative priss, Sultan of scandal, titan of gossip, mystifying man magnet seeks the tender touch of a handsome, non burly, overly indulgent and incredibly tolerant, well educated, impeccably groomed, white, Jewish male over 35 but under 50. This unbelievably disagreeable yet empirically adorable pixie haired sassy divorce seeks………..everything.


Ad 7
ALT.com
Dominant, demanding white female seeks submissive man slave into humiliation, servitude, role playing & enemas.